What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 08:53
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
I waited trembling.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
While emptying a house, have you ever seen something in it that blew your mind?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I will be 64.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was scared of men, in general
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So whats the point in blame.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I said to her
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.